I've found that I rise or fall to my environment. It's not an unusual observation. Others have said it before me.
The harder part is getting an environment that makes you rise. It may be possible to find, but it's also not something we want to leave to chance.
"It's easier to invent the future than to predict it." Building the environment we want will be easier than finding it. So, let's get ourselves in trouble. Sign up for things we expect to fail and work at problems we think we can't solve. When the pressure comes, we will find ourselves more capable than we imagined. I signed up for a 100-mile gravel race. I have no idea how I'll do it. My 50-mile race last year was already very tough. Now, I just got to get out of trouble.
New YearIt's a new year. I recently bought a magazine featuring the work of Yu Nagaba. It came with a very nice calendar. His art is very intersting because the "simplicity" of it stands out. I thought he was able to do these simple pen drawings quickly. In the magazine, it shows him sketching the simple figures over and over. So much planning goes into the work to give it the simple look. That's the magic of it - lots of work to provide the finished piece the beauty of simplicity.
DanteAt the end of each of section of Dante’s journey (Inferno, Purgatorio, Paradisio), Dante ends by looking at the stars. Just a funny thing.
An IdeaSurvey people to see if they think they often pick the best item on the menu.
MealI have a theory that you can’t plan to have the best meal you’ve ever had.
If you go out and spend a lot of money on a meal in the hopes that it will be excellent, you may get that. However, it’s very hard to expect to have the best meal ever and then receive it.* There is an element of surprise, of good fortune required.
Maybe you’re visiting from far away, and the restaurant owner treats you with a generosity that you cannot repay. Maybe the day, good as it may be, had required all your energy, and now even the simplest meal with the right people means everything. Maybe, it comes on a red-letter day for your friends and family.
Regardless, I think it’s hard to plan for the best things. I do think it’s possible to be ready for them. You can be open and observant for when the time comes. You can work and prepare for them. If you’re not ready for the best things to happen, then they never will. It’s easier to see when your eyes are open.
I’m reminded of a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (which I haven’t read).
“You want to know how to paint a perfect painting? It's easy. Make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally.”
* Meal in this context goes beyond the physical food and sense of taste. It’s probably closer in meaning to the memory or story of the meal.
Je suis heureuxToday was one of those full days. I'm sitting on a train. The sun's setting. The moon is to my left. I saw friends in one city. The weather was good. I stopped for a while to see another friend in another city. We had a good talk. A good experience together.
This is water, and I am swimming.
painting on the wall
Today, I was eating at a restaurant. On the wall in front of me was a painting of a woman and man climbing stairs in what is probably a 1920’s, art deco, Great Gatsby-esque scene.
The painting was made with long, flowing strokes that gave the entire scene an almost liquid feeling. At the same time, it created a motion in the image. The woman’s dress flows like a river down the entire painting, the streaks of red twirling until they eventually just spill onto and mix with the floor. The other guests (I’m now assuming this is a party) are also equally well dressed, but the feeling you get is that even though no other guest has visible faces, all attention is directed towards the center.
I left with a lot of questions. Why did I care so much about a painting in a restaurant? I mean, art in restaurants is often a necessity of decor rather than an image for deep connection. Who made it? What did they think? Were they trying to achieve something great, or simply fulfilling a contract?
The existence of that painting there was a surprise to me; I didn't expect it to be there or to care about it. Regardless, it was fun to have been surprised. To quote the Grateful Dead, “Once in a while, you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.”
lowercasein school they teach you all the rules of writing. they grade you on your adherence to the rules. if you’re really lucky you may find a teacher who can show you a world exists beyond the rules. for most people, though, the rules, methods, and mediums taught in school is writing.
this leaves people with a sense of writing that is not fun, interesting or worthwhile. but people love to express themselves. i haven’t found anyone who doesn’t like to speak about their passions, desires, and stories. but when we come to write, the walls close us in, keep us from the joy.
the type of writing presented to us in our early years is far too limiting. you do not have to accept the rules presented to you. your words are your own, and you may write and present them in the way you feel is best.
---
i really like writing in lowercase. i don’t do it all the time because it is something special, something casual. it goes against the rules of professional and academic settings. it’s the way you might text a close friend. it’s enough to make the writing feel close and personal.
these days, it’s often an opt-in feature of writing. the iphone (and maybe other phones) auto-capitalizes, as do many word processors. lowercasing being anti-default makes me think carefully when someone chooses to break this rule.
Summer RainOne marker of the American South is the rain. First comes the smell. I know this exists elsewhere, but my memories are colored in such a way that I believe it is stronger in Georgia.
I had an attic-ish room, and my bed was nestled in a cubby adjacent to a set of three windows. It was a cozy space. I’d sit there and watch the afternoon clouds roll in. When it came time to rain, it was nothing ordinary.
More than pouring, the sky fell out. Everything was released. The storms always had thunder. The type to shake the entire house, to remind you of your place in the world. Some people don’t like the rain; I’m somewhere in the middle. But looking back, I think fondly about those storms and how they made me feel.
It rained like that today.
Jean Cocteau LifeI had a long conversation with a close friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while today. It was a highlight of my day. I think now and then, you’ll get the feeling when you make a change or do something new and wonder, “How did I ever live without this?” I’ve had the thought about cycling, reading, writing, and more. I’m sure I still have many to find again and discover anew.
The funny thing is that it is life itself that will try to take the things we can’t live without away. We get busy, we get tired, we forget. Getting these things back is like the first day of spring when you’ve forgotten about the warmth of the sun, the green of the earth, and the songs of the birds. All of these things come rushing back to you.
You bet.Today I was walking down the street when I ran into the CEO of my company. I work remotely, and he lives states away, so it was quite a surprise. We got drinks and caught up.
It was a kind reminder that getting lucky is also a skill.
Wait, NoIt’s hot in the evening like it’s hot in the day. The sun shines all day long.
Today, I spoke with a friend and asked him a question. “Where you’ve made mistakes in life, was it from doing too much or too little?” “Too little.” I felt the same.
When I was younger, I remember that when someone worked hard at something or had passion for the things they were doing, others would attack them.
As an adult, this concept is so absurd. We should work hard for things we care about; we should go further. Just knowing this isn’t as freeing as I wish it were. There’s still the pressure of the world and our own voice telling us to stop before we stand out.
Anyway, like I said before, the mistakes I’ve made in life are mistakes of restraint, not mistakes of excess. For me, that’s enough to know what I should do now.
CookingToday I made Carbonara, one of my favorite dishes. It's faily simple to make with effective results. I hadn't cooked in a while, so having something so easy and delicious to get me back into it was very welcome.
It's nice at times to have a refresher or a reset.
Clean upToday I was walking down the street when I found an empty Red Bull can. I picked it up, carried it a couple hundred feet and threw is away.
Opposites are not always equal - the positive and negitive, absence and presence of a thought. Not thinking "I can't" is okay. But, it's the absence of thinking "I can." that makes the difference.
Long RideI recently did my longest bike ride yet - 50 miles. A day later I don't feel very worn by it. I definitely was pushing hard towards the end though. One thing that suprised me was the effects on my central nervous system. I was in a very stressed state for several hours after the ride was over. It was uncomfortable since my body was screaming both "danger!" and "I'm tired!" at the same time. The experience gave me more appreciation for what long distance racing might entail. I'll keep going further.
OutsideIndeed, cycling brought back many good feelings. I don't meditate, but the time on the bike is nearly the same. It's dedicated time for my thoughts.
I'm reading Gravity's Rainbow. A little more than 1/6th of the way through. I would consider this an achievement. The book is not easy to read. Some pages, I'm lost. There is a sense that the book is leading somewhere great though.
Under the WeatherThis spring and summer, I've gotten very into cycling for pleasure and excercise. However, due to recent weather and air quality issues, I haven't been able to go.
This has caused withdrawal like symptoms. Where before I'd feel amazing after a long, intense ride, I now feel awful after not riding all week.
Hopefully the skies clear soon. To better weather
Writing and ThinkingWriting is thinking. Thinking is writing.
FallFall is here. The weather is still good. In fact, it may be my favorite. The sun is going down earlier, but the cool evenings are very enjoyable. Being tired in the winter isn't all that bad anyway.
I'm learning Rust and having a great time with it. Since the last time I wrote, I've become much more comfortable in JavaScript/TypeScript land. People can complain all they want, but I do find it productive. It's very expressive.
I've also been learning more functional programming - Idris in particular. I'm drawn to the cool things that can be done with dependent types.
Lastly, I'm putting together a very nice playlist. Lots of great songs on it and it's coming together nicely.
Sunny DaysThere is nothing quite like the first warm and sunny day after a long winter. The impact it has on mood and feelings is so great. It is a kind reminder of the impact our enviorment has on our lived experiences.
To more sunny and warm days
The Shape of ThoughtsToday, I was working on some more C programs. The rabit hole of file descriptors, sockets, and polling goes much deeper than I expected. These are very well designed programs and interfaces.
My experience with C has improved much since the last time I tried it. There isn't anything in particular that has made my understanding better. I've read a lot since then, programmed more, and taken some classes, but none of the information I gained directly related to it.
I've noticed this before. It isn't so much the reading or work that's been put in, but the shape of the thoughts that changes. When I studied finance, if you really understood flow of funds and the present value of cash flows, then a whole new level of understanding was unlocked. The concepts themselves aren't that hard to grasp. They could be taught in an hour. But it's the experience and time that brings the change in the shape of the concepts and thoughts. I'm reminded of gwern's "Seeing through and unseeing" essay.
I've reached this point again, this time in programming. It's a good sign, and I hope that it happens again soon.
Patience and ProgressToday, I continued to do some work on my website. I improved my bookmarks tooling and transferred them to my website. Still playing soccer everyday. Getting better everyday.
It is hard to reconcile the personal need for patience and the worldy need for haste. The best way to manage is to appreciate progress.
I'm reminded of running. Being the fastest the whole time is great, but if you can't do that, then hitting the right pace will produce the greatest results.
MomentumI've recently realized the importance of momentum. Of course, I've heard how powerful it is before, but we aren't always ready to hear something.
Springing from my bed, putting on my shoes, and getting out the door in five minutes makes my day feel twice as full. I'll try to keep it up.
And these words are also momentum.